In the last few months young children have been suspended from school for; throwing invisible grenades, waving Pop Tart guns, pizza guns, paper guns, and Hello Kitty guns. I wish I had known that when I worked with young children. I had some bad, that’s right I said bad, kids who would eat their slice of bread into the shape of a gun then shoot off a few rounds of croutons. I had one boy pretending he was 007 or Maxwell Smart. When I caught him blowing the smoke from his Lego gun, he said, “It’s a camcorder.” “Oh, well then, carry on.” I said.
I have decided if this is the way it is, then I have my own list of things that should be banned not only from schools but from society besides those things children have already been suspended for. My list includes: Guns made from any of the following: Shoes, napkins, pickles, cornbread, toast,
Toaster Strudel, hamburger, pancakes, roast;
straws, mittens, hose, and soap;
fingers, spoons, fish sticks, rope.
Doggun, catgun, Shogun, Gatlin Brothers gun and Moses Gunn.
Beebe guns and Jujubes.
Weapons made from pencils, pens, rulers, staplers, glue sticks, feathers and ear muffs. Weapons made with food or art supplies and that kind of stuff.
Stick and stones,
and paper airplanes used as drones.
Weapons from the game of Clue if you please,
and the cannon piece from Monopoly,
smoke bombs, stink bombs, firecrackers, poppers, sparklers and sidewalk cracks.
Spoon catapults, spit ball shooters, rubber bands and thumbtacks!
Anything over three inches long.
Any item that rhymes with gun, sword, knife, weapon, bomb or any ABBA song.
Banned words include robber, bad guy, creeper, stranger,
wacko and dirty copper, danger.
Bang, pow, boom,
crunch, smack, crack, wham, kaboom,
pew pew and schlopp
anything that makes any of those noises as well as snap, crackle and pop!
Phrases like “Shoot from the hip” “Shoot the bull” or “Shoot the breeze.”
Or any other phrase that sounds like any of these,
TV shows Peter Gunn, Cannon and of course Looney Toons, pointer dogs and Shar-Peis,
Dangerous foods like Captain Crunch and Lays,
The movies Pistol Pete and A Christmas Story.
And finally…anything Chuck Norris! So, don’t worry.
There you have it. Put my plan into action and there will never be another incident of violence ever. But, if you’re a rebel, you can look up on YouTube and watch videos showing how to make a these: Paper gun that shoots Ninja Stars and how to make a paper crossbow or a mini cannon from a lighter. But you didn’t hear it from me.
Denny Craft is a freelance writer/humorist and has just completed the book, “Cats Lay Eggs.”